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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26168947">loving you is like a battle (and we both end up with scars)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/drywitticisms/pseuds/drywitticisms'>drywitticisms</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hamilton - Miranda</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alexander Hamilton Loves Angelica Schuyler, Angelica Schuyler Is Better Than You, Angelica Schuyler Loves Alexander Hamilton, Canon Compliant, Canon Continuation, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Infidelity, F/M, Heavy Angst, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Infidelity, Past Infidelity, Post-Betrayal, Remorseful Alexander Hamilton, Sad Angelica Schuyler, Sad Ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:20:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,621</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26168947</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/drywitticisms/pseuds/drywitticisms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the first time Angelica &amp; Alexander are left alone long enough for Angelica to reign hell on Alexander for his affair with Maria Reynolds. Angelica has some things to say, and Alexander is going to listen.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alexander Hamilton/Angelica Schuyler</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>loving you is like a battle (and we both end up with scars)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I know we got something like this from Angelica in 'Congratulations' and also a little bit at the end of 'The Reynolds Pamphlet,' but I wanted to expand on those scenes. Technically, we didn't really get 'Congratulations' because it was cut from the musical for time so I would like for all of us to pretend like that hasn't happened.</p><p>And no, this is not a regurgitation of 'Congratulations' either. There is a lot of anger and sadness in this one-shot just like in that song though, so you know what to expect.</p><p>The title comes from Lauryn Hill's "Ex-Factor."</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Angrily wiping the tears from her face, she sniffed.</p><p>She had been seeing red for the past five minutes, and she didn’t know how to channel that anger into something productive so she simply cried.</p><p>She cried for Eliza. She cried for her nephew.</p><p>And finally, she cried for herself. She let all that anger and hurt out by allowing herself to cry generous, fat tears.</p><p>Her heart was broken, and she had been blindsided. She never saw this coming. How could she?</p><p>Her soul mate gutted her and left her bereft floating in the wind .. <b>alone</b>.</p><p>He didn't care about anyone else’s feelings but his own. That was the only thing that reigned supreme in his mind. </p><p>Alexander was a stubborn and selfish man who made decisions that suited him and only him. On top of that, he had the audacity to make impulsive decisions without checking in with anyone else.</p><p>He was living in blissful ignorance as he did things that affected everyone in his life, and that selfish little vortex of Alexander’s sucked everyone in with no warning.</p><p>Angelica had known all of this; she had always known. Yet, she simply assumed he would overcome his own personality flaws, but she was wrong. </p><p>She thought he would change; if not for Eliza, then maybe for their children at least.</p><p>He was a self-serving man, but that wasn’t a novel idea to her and she was okay with it … <i>at first</i>.</p><p>Although she would never admit it to anyone else, she found herself to be quite selfish too. She saw herself in Alexander, even in his character flaws. </p><p>The difference between her and Alexander, however, was the fact that she refused to let her self-interest destroy and ruin her life or the lives of the people she cared about.</p><p>She was always mindful of her actions and what they could do to the people she loved, but she wasn't <b>completely</b> self-sacrificing. </p><p>Angelica was no martyr, and she would soon correct anyone who said otherwise. </p><p>Introducing Alexander to Eliza was purely for selfish reasons. She had her own ulterior motives, and that was to keep her soul mate in her life.</p><p>She couldn't have him but she didn't want the Winter's Ball to be the last time she saw him, so she made an executive decision. </p><p>She was willing to do whatever she needed to do to keep him in her life. </p><p>She succeeded and it worked out exactly the way it was supposed to …. until now.</p><p>Angelica and Alexander were selfish individuals, and they didn’t deserve to have Eliza in their lives.</p><p>Eliza was the sweet, naive, and innocent angel on their shoulders goading them into doing the right thing.</p><p>While Angelica was as emotional as anyone else, she was accustomed to tapping into her rational side. A lot more than Alexander did, that’s for sure.</p><p>Alexander wasn’t like Angelica in that way; he had way more difficulty keeping his self-control intact.</p><p>Angelica refused to act on what she felt; she refused to act on the intensely physical feelings she had whenever she would receive a new letter from Alexander. She was determined to keep things fairly innocent, chaste even. </p><p>Angelica was hell-bent on saving their souls. </p><p>Yet, fate had different plans and it couldn’t be changed or even fixed, at this point. </p><p>Unfortunately, it seemed as if Alexander hadn’t gotten the memo, and the monster who was the keeper of his secrets, deceptions, and lies had threatened to swallow them whole. </p><p>They were on two different pages now, which was unfamiliar territory for Angelica. She didn’t know a life where she and Alexander were on opposite sides; she didn’t know a world where she and Alexander were opponents and not teammates.</p><p>Alexander had made it that way with no regard for her.</p><p>“What are we supposed to do here, Angelica?” He asked with a deep sigh.</p><p>“You’re asking me? Icarus is finally asking <i>me</i> for advice.” Angelica shot back.</p><p>“Why are you angry with me?”</p><p>“You know why! We both know why Eliza’s angry with you and rightfully so.” Angelica said.</p><p>“It was a mistake. I wasn’t thinking. I was under a lot of stress and I-” Alexander began.</p><p>“Stop talking!” Angelica exclaimed as her voice cracked from her unshed tears.</p><p>Up until now, she hadn’t even allowed herself the chance to cry and grieve their tainted, broken relationship. </p><p>“It was one thing for you and I to do what we did, but we never physically acted on it.” She said, “But this is low, even for you. How could you sleep with this woman? How could you carry on an entire affair with her in your marital bed?!”</p><p>“I was overworked and I was under an immense amount of pressure at work. You and Eliza had left me alone. I didn’t have anyone.” He replied pitifully. "I missed her, and I.. I longed for you."</p><p>“That’s such a lousy excuse. For someone to be so intelligent, I can’t imagine how you’re able to say such asinine things.” </p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I’m not the one you need to apologize to.” She said.</p><p>Alexander remained silent. He didn’t speak and neither did she for a few minutes.</p><p>“Are you sure all this anger you have right now is because I betrayed Eliza?”</p><p>“Of course it is!” She exclaimed looking at him incredulously.</p><p>Walking towards her with purpose, he stopped in front of her and stared into her angry brown eyes.</p><p>“That’s not what this is about. I screwed up with Maria, but you’re not angry for Eliza.” He said, “You’re angry for you.”</p><p>“Alexander, you’ve always known how I’ve felt about you. You’ve always known and you felt the same way.” She declared tearing her eyes away from his to stare down at her hands, “Of course, I’m hurt. You broke my heart. I held onto your every word and you were the brightest part of my day. Now, you’ve ripped my heart out of my chest.”</p><p>“I don’t know what came over me. I wish I could take it all back.” He said grabbing her hand and forcing her to look back up at him.</p><p>“Except you can’t.” She said removing her hand from his.</p><p>“Tell me what I can do to make this right.” He begged.</p><p>“You’re an intelligent man; you don’t need me to tell you that. Eliza has a heart of gold and she will forgive you.” Angelica said.</p><p>“And you? What about you?”</p><p>“What about me?” She said with a raised brow.</p><p>“Will you forgive me?”</p><p>Taking a deep breath, Angelica didn’t know how to respond to that question. She knew she loved him, but she didn’t know if she could get past this.</p><p>This grave betrayal that embarrassed her sister and hurt their family. </p><p>“Maybe in time, Alexander.” She settled. </p><p>“I’m a selfish man.”</p><p>“Oh, really?” Angelica replied with a ghost of a smile, “Tell me something I don’t know.”</p><p>“I just thought it would be better if I came clean before anyone else can ruin my career and reputation.”</p><p>“And you thought telling the entire country that you cheated on your wife and had a full-blown affair with another woman in the bed you share with your wife was a better option?” Angelica questioned with a raised brow.</p><p>“I sacrificed my political dreams, Angelica.”</p><p>“So what? It doesn’t matter!” Angelica exclaimed staring at him, “It’s almost like I don’t even know who you are anymore.”</p><p>“Yes, you do.” Alexander begged, “You’re the only one who’s ever understood me. You know me better than anyone.”</p><p>“You know what? You’re right.” Angelica said, “I knew from the very beginning that you would do everything you could to survive. I knew that, but Eliza is a good person. A great wife, even. She only cared about how you made her feel, and that’s what hurts most of all.”</p><p>Alexander looked down at his hands in that moment. He didn’t like the look in her eyes; he had never seen this look before, and he didn’t know how to handle it.</p><p>It may not appear that way to Angelica, but he felt his own heart breaking. He knew she wasn’t interested in his feelings; she was too blinded by her own pain to see, and he couldn’t blame her for it.</p><p>“If I knew you would have done this, I would have made the sacrifice and married you instead.” Angelica confessed, “If it meant saving Eliza from this kind of pain, I would have taken her place. She didn’t deserve this; all she’s ever done was love you, and this is how you repay her.”</p><p>"I can't believe this." She continued. </p><p>"It was a moment of weakness. One that I'm sure I'm going to pay for for the rest of my life."</p><p>"There was more than a moment. You had <b>several</b> moments." She said. "So the entire time you had been writing these beautiful letters to me, you were laying down with this woman?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"My god, Alexander! Who are you? The man I know wouldn't have done this." </p><p>"I don't know why I did it. I wanted someone, and the two people I needed couldn't be here."</p><p>"You should have just come with us! I begged you to come with us. I begged you. We <i>both</i> did!" </p><p>"I should have just gone with you if I had known what was coming next."</p><p>"Even now, you refuse to take responsibility for your part in the matter. If not Maria, it would have been someone else." She shot. </p><p>"That's not true. I messed up but I'm still a man of honor. It was a set up. The whole thing."</p><p>"Yet, you played right into the hands of your enemies. What happened to the intelligent man I used to know?" </p><p>"He was being attacked by his political rivals from every direction while being overworked."</p><p>"Why didn't you talk to me?" </p><p>"I didn't know how to tell you. You always seem so unflappable. It's almost as if nothing or no one can touch you. You're not affected by most of this stuff."</p><p>"Not everything." She said sadly. “I’m still a human being, Alexander. I feel things just like anyone else, and I think that’s where we went wrong.”</p><p>“You’re right; you’re always right.” He placated.</p><p>Angelica sniffed as she finally allowed herself to truly think about everything that had happened, everything they had just discussed.</p><p>“Love, hate, it’s such a fine line, Alexander.” She finally said.</p><p>“You hate me?” He croaked with a horror-stricken face.</p><p>“No, but you must understand that it’s so very easy to make the person who loves you, hate you.” She explained, “There’s only so much you can do to one person before you fully push them over the edge and into a chasm of hatred. A hatred so deep that they can’t even remember what it was like to love you in the first place.”</p><p>“I never thought I’d see the day where we would be having this conversation.” He sadly replied shaking his head in denial.</p><p>“But you see, Alexander, I’m angry at you and I may even <i>hate</i> you but I still <b>love</b> you.” She said with tears streaming down her face, “I wish it could all be so simple, and I wish things were different. But it doesn’t matter what you do, it doesn’t matter what happens after I walk away. After everything is all said and done, I’ll still love you and you can’t even imagine what that feels like. You can’t imagine what it feels like to want to hate someone <b>so</b> bad for ruining you because you know that you still love them and you probably always will. Hating you would make things so much easier for me, but nothing is ever that easy.”</p><p>Before he even realized it, Alexander felt the wetness settle on the apples of his own pale cheeks. Somewhere in the midst of her words, he felt the weight of the world and of his mistakes finally settle upon his shoulders. She had gotten to him. He had finally understood the gravity of what he had done and how he had hurt Angelica.</p><p>It didn’t take as long to see how much he had hurt Eliza; but with Angelica, he struggled. He knew she couldn’t yell, scream, and cry with Eliza around, so she pushed those deep-seated feelings of betrayal and resentment deep inside of herself until now.</p><p>“I don’t know what to do.” He admitted softly.</p><p>Angelica had always known what to do, and he just wanted her to help him. He needed her to show him the way. He was crying out for help in his own way, even though he had no right to. He hoped that she would show mercy but something told him that his prayers wouldn't be answered in that respect.</p><p>“The great Alexander Hamilton doesn’t have it all figured out. What a shocker!” She sarcastically stated.</p><p>“I’m sorry for hurting you; I know you may not believe me, but I'm hurting too. I hate myself for hurting you. I can’t take any of it back and I don’t have an explanation that would make you feel better.” He said.</p><p>“I’m sorry too.” Angelica said. </p><p>“I hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me for what I did and maybe we could go back to the way things were.”</p><p>“I don’t know if I can.” She whispered. “Things may never go back to the way they were, at least not where we’re concerned.”</p><p>“I understand.” He said as he looked down at the floor while nodding to himself.</p><p>Alexander knew he may have just destroyed one of the most important relationships in his life, and he only had himself to blame. Angelica was everything that was good in this world, and he soiled his relationship with her with his self-obsession.</p><p>“Can I just ask you one thing? I really want you to be honest with me.” He said still looking at the floor.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Have I lost you?” He asked lifting his head and forcing himself to look  into her eyes to gauge her response.</p><p>Angelica stared back at him and mulled the question over in her head. This was something she had asked herself long before this conversation. She didn’t know the answer back then, but she knew the answer now. </p><p>“I don’t know, Alexander.” She admitted. “I’ll still be in your life, but I don’t know if my role in your life will be what it used to be.”</p><p>“I deserve that.”</p><p>“Goodbye, Alexander.” She said.</p><p>Looking back at him one last time, Angelica turned and walked away leaving him to cry over the ruins of their relationship.</p><p>She knew that would be the last time they saw each other. That would be the last time they connected in that way, and she could feel the pain bubbling under her skin as she realized that she had lost her soulmate.</p><p>The one man she never thought would hurt her had done just that, and nothing would ever be the same.</p><p>Their relationship would never recover and her life would go back to the dull and listless existence it used to be.</p><p>She cursed Alexander for making her fall in love with him knowing that he couldn’t be trusted with something as delicate and fragile as her heart.</p><p>But she knew that one day she would forgive him, but she would never be able to recapture the brilliance and vibrance of the new love she thought she had found in him.</p><p>No one would ever compare to him, and she would have to live with that for the rest of her life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>What did you guys think? Angelica has made up her mind and she's sticking to it and standing by her sister's side. I didn't want to take a dip into the angst pool just yet, but this one-shot refused to leave me alone so here we are. I enjoyed writing this quite a bit; the words flowed really well for me, and I love being able to write something that comes so easy to me. </p><p>As always, leave a kudos and/or comment <b>if</b> you like it (I don't want to be presumptuous here). Also, guests are allowed to leave kudos so if you're too shy to leave a comment, I won't hold it against you but I would <i>really</i> appreciate the kudos.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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